Hairy Potta and the Bucket of Slime
by Randemort
Summary: A silly version of the HP story. Follows Goblet of Fire very loosely.
1. Chapters 1-3 The Widdle House...

Hairy Potta and the Bucket of Slime

Chapter OneThe Widdle House

The villagers of Little Webtown still called it "the Widdle House in the Big Woods", even though it had been many years since the Widdle family had lived there. Once a fine Widdle House, and the gwandest looking building for miles around, the Widdle House was now damp, dewelict, and empty. People agreed that the house was a very spooky place since the murder that happened there 50 years ago. (DUN DUN DUUUUH!)

Fifty years ago, the maid had walked into the family room to find all of the Widdles had died of boredom waiting for the new Hairy Potta movie to finally be released. They all got extremely tired of watching the same movie promotional trailers over and over again on their computer. They had analyzed every frame for inconsistencies with the original Hairy Potta books and discovered that their son Wobby Widdle was not included in the story at all. Wob was extemely upset by the news, and the gardener Hank Dice had thought he might have caused the event. The police said they were lying there with mouse chord tied around their necks and the movie trailer playing over and over on the computer.

For a time, the town thought Hank had something to do with the crime, but they decided not to prosecute him because he did such a good job with the shrubbery and flowers in the yard. No one liked the Widdles anyway because they read all those scary Hairy Potta books and talked incessantly about all the neat stuff they had bought at the mall during the Hairy Potta convention. If they hadn't died of boredom, someone would have probably done them in anyway!

Hank said he had seen a strange skinny boy with black shaggy hair and a long black cloak in the neighborhood that week. No one believed him because Hank was very nearsighted and often confused small furry animals as being new strangers in the neighborhood. Hank also read those scary books that the Widdles kept talking about. 

Hank stumbles into the old house 50 years later to hear strange voices coming from the family room. It turns out to be Lord Randemort and Geodudette arguing about whose turn it is to use the computer. It seems that Geodudette was writing another strange story about the Hairy Potta characters. Lord Randemort is a strange little creature with large bulbous eyes and a big round belly from eating too many cold TV dinners while his wife writes her stories on the computer. He strokes the head of the stuffed bunny that sits by his laptop. Geodudette eyes him nervously as he threatens to stop their internet service if she doesn't relinquish the mouse. "My Net Eaters will be wondering about me if I don't post something on the message board soon!" screams Lord Randemort.

Geodudette rolls her eyes and sends another instant message to Ivory about the latest chapter of the book that she's writing. "Those Net Eaters can live another day without your inane messages" she laughs. Lord Randemort notices a strange old man is reflected in the stuffed bunny's eyes. 

"Come in and join us old man!", he beckons to Hank Dice who is completely repulsed by his large beer belly. 

"Hadn't you better spend a few more hours on the treadmill Mr. Randemort?"

"I have been, Hank. I just can't stop eating all of those chocolate bunnies that my internet friends send me! The bunnies sustain me in my hours of need. I haven't been the same since that little kid showed me up in the chat room in front of all my internet friends!" 

"Our plans to get free tickets to the Super Bowl must not be thwarted by that pesky little kid. I'll get that little kid and his little dog friend too! Geodudette has to win the chocolate bunny contest. She has been working on her secret recipe. I believe it involves tying up one of her story detractors on the internet.

Hank Dice stares back at Lord Randemort and shakes his head. He's confused by all the babble he has been listening to. "Why do you want to get tickets to the Super Bowl?" he asks.

"Why? Because my evil plan to take over the world hinges on it ! When the halftime show is nearing completion, several teenagers from Pigpimples school of Magic will be competing for prizes. One of them will get a big surprise when he wins! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackles Lord Randemort.

Hank Dice stares back in horror at the evil Lord Randemort who is now caressing the stuffed bunny. 

Lord Randemort speaks softly to the bunny. "Now bunnikins, we must roll the dice so to speak!" Randemort pulls out his palm pilot with its magic wand. He takes out the magic wand and points it at Hank Dice. A bolt of lightning streaks from the tip of the wand and Hank Dice falls to the floor and begins to disappear into a series of odd squares. The squares coalesce into a stream that flows into the palm pilot. Lord Randemort cackles to himself as Geodudette continues writing instant messages to Ivory about the ungrateful fanfic readers that don't appreciate all the hard work that the writers put in to their stories. Ivory laughs and types some Latin phrase about Teletubbies.

Two thousand miles away, a boy named Hairy Potta wakes from a bad dream with a splitting headache. The bunny shaped scar on his forehead is throbbing!

Chapter Two-The Bunny Scar

Hairy lay flat in his bed breathing hard having just awoken from a hideous dream. The old bunny scar on his forehead was burning again. He sat up and ran his fingers over the scar. He tried to remember the strange dream of the night before. The fading images in his mind of an old man, a nice woman, and a hideous oversized belly attached to a strange bearded man! Ugggh! And what was the man holding in his lap? A stuffed bunny! That was it! He remembered an argument about email and the internet. The rest was a mystery to him.

He was stuck at his Uncle John Walton and Aunt Dinah's for the summer. Their only child, George W., lived with them, and he was the bane of Hairy's existence. They hated Hairy because of his magical tendencies and his support for the Democracts. They had inherited Hairy when his parents, Charles and Camilla, were forced to live in exile by the upset common people of England. Lord Randemort had led the rebellion that caused the overthrow of the British Monarchy with the help of Simon Branford. Professor Bumblehead had taken Hairy to live with his Aunt and Uncle when he was just one year old. He spent only the summers there now because he attended Pigpimples School of Magic during the school year. 

He was wondering what to do about the painful bunny scar. Would his school friends, Don and Herwhiny, be of any help to him? Herwhiny would probably tell Professor Bumblehead about his problems and then he would have to explain about things that he preferred keeping to himself. Don would want to ask his father, Albert Gore, who worked for the Magical Bureau of Investigation (MBI) since his recent defeat in the 2000 election. The Gore's had already suffered enough without having to deal with Hairy's problems.

Then the answer came to him. It was so obvious. He could write about his problems to Silliness Brown, his Godfather, an escaped convict from Alderon. Silliness was in hiding from the MBI since his escape last year. Hairy, Don, and Herwhiny had helped Silliness to escape capture by the MBI last year using their ingenuity and the handy Acme "Hide Your Escaped Convict" kit (timeturner sold separately). Silliness managed to keep in touch with Hairy via email while he traveled the world in a private jet he borrowed from the Gore's during the last days of the Clinton administration. Hairy would be living with Silliness if he had only managed to bring Simon Branford. to justice. Simon had been an old school friend of Silliness. Simon had turned in Silliness for bumping off Aberforth's goat. Simon had turned into a Republican at just the right time and managed to do quite well for himself after that. Silliness never forgave Simon, but was helpless to do anything about it at the moment.

Hairy emailed Silliness about his hurting bunny scar. He neglected to mention the dream. He thought it would add better drama to the story if he held back information from Silliness. He headed downstairs for breakfast.

Chapter Three-The Invitation

Hairy came downstairs to the breakfast table to find George W. eyeing his half of grapefruit with a sense of restrained fury. He was on a new diet due to the extra 50 pounds he gained while away at school. Uncle John was reading the newspaper and Aunt Dinah was reading a book called "101 ways to serve grapefruit". George W. was dreaming of desserts, but knew that his uniforms no longer fit him, and Mummy and Daddy would be upset if he were to gain another pound during the summer. George W. wasn't doing very well at school as usual, but he knew someday that he would claw his way to the top with the help of his best friend Jeb. 

George W's report card had arrived last month with the lowest marks ever. John Walton yelled that those liberal minded educators had it in for his young Republican. Aunt Dinah always felt that George W. was misunderstood because of his conservative agenda. She wished all those mean Ivy Leaguers would stop picking on George W. and show a little more compassion. 

Just at that moment, the doorbell rang, and Uncle John rushed to beat the boys to the door. The mailman handed the letters to Uncle John while speaking in hushed tones. Uncle John laughed nervously and took the letters while quickly shutting the door behind him. Those liberals are always picking on us misunderstood conservatives. One letter had several stamps on it and spelled out "Mr. and Mrs. John Walton" in Elmer's glue with sparkles on it. Hairy knew this was probably from one of his Wizard friends.

Uncle John gave Hairy a dirty look and ordered George W. to take the rest of the letters into the kitchen and give them to Aunt Dinah. "What would cause one of your liberal Wizard friends to write a letter to me?" he growled. Hairy just shrugged his shoulders. The letter read as follows:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. John Walton,

We have never been introduced, but I am sure you have heard a great deal from Hairy about my son Don.

As Hairy might have told you, the Uxbridge Unicorns will be playing on Monday Night Football this Monday night. My husband, Albert, has just managed to get prime tickets through his connections at the Magical Bureau of Investigation.

I do hope you will allow us to take Hairy to the game. Uxbridge hasn't been on Monday Night Football for years, and tickets are extremely hard to come by. We would of course be glad to have Hairy stay for the remainder of the summer holidays, and to see him safely onto the train back to school.

Hoping to see Hairy soon,

Yours sincerely,

Tipper Gore

P.S. How is George W. progressing at school?

John Walton glared at Hairy, but he knew if he did not allow him to go to the game, he would tell Silliness Brown that the conservatives were oppressing the young liberal again. "You'll be packing your bags then, eh?" he grumbled.

Hairy smiled and nodded quickly. He then flew up the stairs and finished packing within 15 minutes. He noticed that he had gotten an email from Don telling him that the family helicopter would be arriving at his house tomorrow night. Hairy was elated, and he had now completely forgotten about Lord Randemort.


	2. Chapters 4-5 Back to the Bureau

Hairy Potta and the Bucket of Slime

Chapter Four-Back to the Bureau

The next day, Hairy had his school trunk ready with his school things including his fake ID and his electronic map of Pigpimples. He had collected all of his Gore 2000 posters and buttons so that George W. could not destroy them while he was gone. Uncle John was not happy about the Gore's plans to pick him up at their house. He wore his "Bushbackers" button as a way to intimidate the Gores upon their arrival.

"They'll be arriving by car, of course?" Uncle John asked nervously. He hoped none of his Republican friends would see the Gores wandering into his house. Maybe it would be possible to get Hairy out of the neighborhood without being seen! 

Hairy did not have the heart to tell him that they would arrive by helicopter.

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh! The helicopter blades cut through the air above the street. The neighbors came out of their homes to see what was making all the noise. Uncle John was mortified! The Gores stepped out of the helicopter and greeted the Waltons with big smiles and friendly handshakes. Don ran up to Hairy and gave him a high five. Don's twin brothers, Dimples and Chad, followed Don up to Hairy and helped him to load his trunk into the helicopter. Chad dropped a few campaign buttons onto the steps near the front door.

By this time a second helicopter and a black limousine had arrived at the house. A podium had been assembled in the front yard and all of John Walton's neighbors had congregated in his front yard asking questions and pointing at the Gore 2004 banner that was being draped across the podium. John tried to sneak back into the house without being seen, but his neighbors were blocking the front door by this time. Al Gore then proceeded to give a short two hour speech before the crowd which now included several newspapermen and two television news crews. Gore answered questions for a few minutes and then waved goodbye to the crowd. 

George W. bent over to pick up the "Bushbackers" campaign buttons he found at the front door of the house. He pinned one onto his shirt with pride and walked over to his dad and pinned the other onto John's lapel. His dad looked down and smiled at George W. and messed his hair with his right hand as he put his left arm around his son. He turned to his neighbors and putting his right thumb behind the button pinned to his lapel he cleared his throat. 

"I just want to let every one of you in the neighborhood know who this family supported in the 2000 election!" he exclaimed with pride. Some newspaper photographers snapped pictures of the proud father and his overweight son. At that moment, Aunt Dinah spit out the pieces of the cookie she had been sneaking behind the backs of her husband and son. She looked at John and George W. in horror and pointed at them while coughing and gasping for air. The sound of giggling came from the helicopter. Hairy looked at Dimples and Chad as they tried their best to stop the laughter that was shaking their whole bodies at this point. 

John Walton looked back at his neighbors and noticed the look of shock on their faces. They were all staring at him as if he were from another planet! He turned his glance from the neighbors to George W. and his throat tightened as he tried not to scream. There on the button was a picture of Gore, and the Gore 2004 logo was flashing across the front. He looked at the button on his own lapel and let out a shriek of disbelief. It also flashed the Gore logo!

"What,…what is this doing on here?" he stammered. He turned to his friends and tried to find the words. "I could have sworn these buttons were Bushbackers a minute ago. You all know how loyal we are to the Republican party?"

His next door neighbor, Amanda, turned to him and spoke: "Is that why you invited the Gores over for the speech and allowed yourself to be photographed with Gore 2004 buttons on your lapels?"

Several of John Walton's neighbors joined in with a few jeering comments of their own. John spent the next 20 minutes trying to explain his way out of the mess as the helicopters headed out of sight. Hairy and Don were laughing hysterically along with Dimples and Chad by this time. The helicopters were now well on their way to the Magical Bureau of Investigation (MBI).

Chapter Five -Gore's Goofy Gang

Hairy and Don laughed about the funny expression on Uncle John's face for the rest of the helicopter ride. The helicopter came upon a huge building complex with a special landing pad in the middle of a courtyard surrounded by all the buildings that make up the Magical Bureau of Investigation. 

"How does your Dad like working for the MBI?" Hairy asked.

"He's starting to fit in a little better now !" answered Don. "He's stopped expecting everyone to stand up when he enters the room." 

As they climbed out of the helicopter, Hairy noticed a couple of people standing next to the Gores that he had never seen before. When they saw Hairy, they walked up to him and introduced themselves.

"Hi Hairy, I'm Jessie Ventura Gore." he spoke in a booming voice, "But you can call me J.V.". Jessie's huge hand dwarfed Hairy's as he shook it. I've been wrestling with political issues in Minnesota for the last few years. I'm also started announcing for the XQL (The Extreme Quidditch League), so I've been on the road a lot lately. I've heard a lot about you from Mom and Dad!"

Hairy nodded and then shook the hand of the other stranger who had been standing next to Ralph Nader Gore, the older son who had caused his father a few problems during the 2000 election. The stranger introduced himself to Hairy.

"I'm John Lennon Gore. Nice to finally meet you Hairy." said the stranger. Hairy knew that John worked for the I.M.T. Walrus Bank on Penny Lane. He was fairly tall, with long hair and an attitude. There was no other way to describe him except "…he was a cool dude." He had been a Head Boy at the Pigpimples school back in his day. He had written some important protest songs about the Cola Wars back in the 1990's that were still being sung by the students at Pigpimples. 

"What's it like working for the Walrus Bank?" said Hairy..

"Well, you know I've been working eight days a week, and sometimes it feels like I'm going nowhere man. After a hard days night, I get my ticket to ride the train and stare out the window at the strawberry fields forever as I make my way across the universe." answered John.

"I'm so tired of people saying 'baby you're a rich man'; so you should be happy!" said Hairy.

"Boy, you're going to carry that weight a long time!" Don piped in.

"You're mother should know!" countered Hairy.

"I was just watching the wheels go by, and I kept saying 'don't let me down' to all the people in my life. I used to feel like yelling for help, but now I feel fine because I met this girl named Julia." replied John. 

"So you said 'Hey Jude, I want to hold your hand. And Girl I wanna be your man?" joked Don.

John continued: "I saw her standing there at a benefit for Mr. Kite. Imagine a woman who doesn't play mind games! She said 'all you need is love', and 'it'll all come together like instant karma!' So I said to her 'I want you' because she's so heavy." 

"So she loves you?" asked Hairy. 

"And I love her!" answered John.

"Sometimes I feel like you've got to hide your love away." said Hairy.

"Love is that magical mystery tour than can make you feel like the fool on the hill!" joked Don.

"Yesterday, an old friend of mine said I should let it be as I go down the long and winding road. With a little help from my friends, it'll be just like starting over!" said John.

"So that is a day in the life of John L. Gore!" Don finished.

"Whatever gets you through the night!" replied Hairy.

At that moment Albert Gore interrupted: "Good Morning, Good Morning! Hairy it's good to see you again!"

"Hello Mr. Gore!" replied Hairy.

"Hello, goodbye! It seems like that's all we ever have time to say to each other!" sighed Mr. Gore. "I thought to myself that I've got to get you into my life. So I spoke to Mrs. Gore about bringing you out to spend some time with us at a sporting event!"

"Thanks so much for rescuing me from the Waltons!" Hairy exclaimed.

"From me to you, Hairy, I would much prefer that you stay with us all summer, but Professor Bumblehead said that you can't do that!" 

"So I told him that if we can work it out, we could make it a day tripper, and I'll drive my car!" Mr. Gore replied. "Then I thought I could make a short speech while I was at your Uncle John's. Other people said we would need to book an auditorium. But I said, why don't we do it on the road?" he laughed.

"I liked that part in your speech about giving power to the people to help defeat Lord Randemort and force him to give peace a chance!" replied Hairy.

"Yes, Hairy. If we can start a revolution in the minds of the people, the dark storm clouds will pass and then here comes the sun!" Mr. Gore answered.

"Oh, Darling! Are you boring poor Hairy?" Mrs. Gore exclaimed as she walked up to meet them.

"No, Tipper. Don't start singing that tired old song again!" he chastised her.

At that moment, two young girls approached the crowd. It was the Gore's daughter, Penny, and Hairy's school friend, Herwhiny Danger. Penny had a huge crush on Hairy last year, but she couldn't help thinking that Hairy would probably end up with Herwhiny in the end! 

"Hairy, it's great to see you again!" said Herwhiny as she gave him a great big hug. This made Penny even more paranoid about the relationship between Hairy and Herwhiny. She thought to herself : "Maybe if she got Don interested in Herwhiny, she could have Hairy all to herself!" Penny shook Hairy's hand and greeted him as well.

Before Penny could say another word, she was interrupted by her brother, Ralph Nader Gore. "Hairy, I'm so glad you could join us at the MBI! You know I just started working here myself." 

"Ralph helped develop a new kind of ballot for the 2000 election in Palm Beach County, Florida!" said Chad who had just walked up to them. Dimples was right behind Chad, but he was having trouble breaking through the circle of people around Hairy. He seemed to have trouble getting people to include him in the conversation. "That's probably why Dad is working for the MBI now!" said Dimples from behind his brothers and sister.

Mr. Gore shook his head at Dimples and raised his index finger to his lips. "Now Dimples, no one can prove that Ralph used magic to confuse the voters!" 

Ralph looked away nervously and tried to avoid the stare of all his brothers. " My boss, Alan Greenspan, has given me some important work to do at the Bureau. I get to analyze the effects of changing the color of Mr. Greenspan's ties on the state of the U.S. economy. It seems that red ties tend to scare the Stock Market!"

"Oh, really!" said Hairy.

Don tried to change the subject. "How about the big game tomorrow Hairy? The Uxbridge Unicorns are playing the Palmer Panthers on Monday Night Football!"

"Yes, I'm quite excited about seeing the game!" said Hairy.

"We are all excited about the game!" said Mr. Gore. "Why don't we take your bags to Don's room and get to the cafeteria before the lines get too long!"

"That's an excellent idea!" shouted Jessie V. Gore who was getting quite hungry and bored by this time. The family split up and agreed to meet at the cafeteria in 20 minutes. Don walked with Hairy and Herwhiny to his room with Penny trying desperately to keep up with them. 

"Did you get a chance to contact Silliness Brown this summer?" Don asked.

"As a matter of fact, we used email a lot this summer." replied Hairy.

Herwhiny gave them both a look and coughed loudly to keep them from being overheard by Penny. Penny did not know about the relationship between them and Silliness Brown. Only Don, Hairy, Herwhiny, and Professor Bumblehead knew about the help they had given Silliness to escape the pursuit of the MBI last year. Even Al Gore had no idea that he had lent a jet to Silliness. The campaign had distracted Mr. Gore so much that he had delegated the task to a lower level employee. They dropped the subject and dropped Hairy's trunk and bags at Don's room. Don's room was covered with posters of the Uxbridge Unicorns, his favorite team. 

They hurried to the cafeteria and met up with the rest of the family. The dinner conversation turned to sports and the prospects for the Unicorns in the upcoming season. 

"I wonder if the Unicorns can make the Super Bowl this year?" asked Chad.

"If they do, we're all going to the game!" said Mr. Gore.

"David Boise assures me that he can get me tickets! Although, he wasn't quite as accurate in his prediction about the court trials in 2000!" laughed Mr. Gore. The whole family laughed out loud, except for Ralph Nader Gore who tried to look interested in the cleanliness of his fork at that moment. Ralph was having trouble fitting in with the rest of the bunch. He wanted others to be interested in his ideas, but he seemed to be left out of a lot of the family debates. He longed for more recognition within the family. He poured himself into his work to help forget about the problems associated with his father's profession.


End file.
